In December, I wrote a post about how I had started writing my first lesbian romance novel. That is still happening. It’s my primary goal for 2020, but it hasn’t been easy. I know the story I want to tell. And I’m so excited about it. Every time I add something new or have a new idea for how a certain character should act or how a scene will go, I fall more in love with the idea of putting this work out there.
I guess all authors love their work and think the world needs to see it. But I just really feel like I’m building something pretty cool. My main obstacle and what worries me is that I’ve never had the discipline to write. I can get inspired and write a 2 or 3k fic in a couple of days. But thinking about fleshing a full, novel-length story seems so daunting.
That’s why when I started this project I made myself write at least 250 words every day. 250 words are not much. But I thought setting a small, achievable goal would make it easier to actually do it. And over time, it would add up. It has worked, kind of. For the first week or so, I did it. Every single day.
On December 27, I took a plane to go meet my fiancée, and then we traveled together for two weeks. I took a notebook with me, thinking maybe I would write while we were waiting at airports or during the flights. I didn’t. I came back to Colombia and started work on Monday, January 9. That was over two weeks without writing.
I would love to tell you that right after I got home, I started writing again, but that’s not the case. I tried. If we call to try the fact I opened the file and stared at it, read it over again, stared at it some more until I realized not one word was coming out of my fingers and closed it.
This kept happening for days. And some times I wouldn’t even open the file. Just told myself I was busy, I needed to focus on work, I would write later. But the truth is I was also busy before, and I still wrote. I was just terrified I had hit a block. That my dream of writing this story was over. That I would never write a single word ever again.
I’m being dramatic, but it really feels like that.
On January 25, 2 weeks after I came back, I opened the file again and forced myself to write some ideas and ended up with 100 words. Barely a paragraph. But I had written something. I felt a little better.
The next day I wrote 200. Then 500. On Friday, I wrote 600 words and felt like I could have kept going for hours. I couldn’t, but I closed the file with the certainty that next time I open it I can add to it. Maybe more, maybe less. Some days will be harder, but as long as I’m determined and keep this discipline, I know I will make it.